“When swelling and pride come, then emptiness and shame come also, but with the humble [those who are lowly, who have been pruned or chisled by trial, and renounce self] are skillful and godly wisdom and soundness.” Proverbs 11:2 (AMPC)
“Chisled by Trial…” oh, how I can relate to this statement. When I read this scripture it hit me at my core because it’s like it put words to what I have walked through for most of this year. I just can’t get it out of my mind and heart. I wish I could fully express the fire my family and I have been in…just how hot the flames have blazed, but it’s not yet time to tell my full story. There’s still work that has to be done. It’s been hard though, like harder than I can put into words. I think Lysa TerKeurst put it best when she wrote she, “licked the floors of hell.” That’s what it has felt like. I’m sure that seems dramatic if you’re on the outside looking in and you haven’t seen all the details, but I promise you that I’m not being dramatic by saying it. I don’t even know if I can fully articulate this…but it feels like just when I am about to get my footing back under me, a huge wave comes and knocks me right back down again! Just when I think I’m going to see this chapter of our lives close and I’m finally going to see all of God’s promises come to fruition, the rug gets pulled out from under my feet and I am once again left floundering. I’m once again fighting against the death grip of fear. I hate it. I know the Bible says we should, “…count it all joy when you fall into various trials…” (James 1:2), but I mean that’s a pretty tall order for me…hopefully I’m not the only one! I know trials really are the place where God does the most work in our lives. It’s not that He puts us in those places…He just uses them to mold us and shape us into who He wants us to be. That doesn’t make the process easier or better though, does it?
The “pruning” and the “chiseling” of this season have honestly felt more like crushing blows! There have been so many times all I have done is cried out to God, “there is nothing left of me!! I’m crushed!” And then it seems like something else happens that crushes me further. It doesn’t feel fair. It hurts and I have cried in this season of life as much as I cried when my Dad passed away. It’s felt like I’ve walked through death again, but no one has died. Well, actually, I guess there has been a death…a death of old the me. The me who was prideful and thought she was walking this walk with God “just right.” Pfft…if only I could go back to that silly girl and shake her and say, “girl, you don’t have a clue! You better examine that prideful heart of yours and get off your high horse before you’re knocked down!” Yep, that’s what I would say and do if I could…but I can’t; all I can say is, “Lord, forgive me!!! I have no clue how to walk this walk! Help me!!”
You see, this season…it’s changed me. God has changed me. I am not the same person I was earlier this year. I see life differently. It’s sort of reminds me of going to the eye doctor. You go and they test your vision to see if there has been any changes from the previous year and if there has been, the doctor adjusts your prescription. Well, this fire has adjusted my vision. I don’t see life like I used to. God has stripped me this year in almost every way. He stripped me of all my “securities” and He has said, “will you trust Me? Will you trust Me and not those things?” And instead of just asking me those questions, He chose to remove them from my tight grasp. I honestly didn’t realize my trust had been in those things and not in Him, until He removed them. He showed me how shallow my faith and trust had been…and it’s been humbling.
I grew up in church. I grew up being taught that God is our everything, but I didn’t have an actual revelation of Him being my everything until everything I held on to so dearly was taken from me. Talk about scary and earth shattering! My world as I have known it has been turned upside down and backwards — and it has left me reeling. Nothing has been secure, but God! Everything has felt like it’s had question marks on it, except God! He is my only security…my only surety. He has shown me that He truly is I AM! He is my Provider, Deliverer, Shelter, Comforter…and everything else in-between! He has shown me His faithfulness and increased my faith in Him.
I read the other week that our faith doesn’t come from ourselves, it comes from God. I can testify to that! I have not possessed the faith to stand and believe for the things I have had to stand and believe for. This faith…this “knowing” that God will not let me down, it has come from God! Every single time I have felt utterly lost, hurt, confused, or completely crushed — He has shown me His strength! He has picked me up and dusted me off and said, “keep believing. Keep praying. Keep fighting. Don’t give up!” I can truly relate to the scripture in Psalm 27:13, “I would have despaired had I not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” God has given me the level of faith required for me to stand in this fire and believe I will “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living,” otherwise, I would be crumpled up on the floor without hope…I assure you of that!
I’ve seen God work absolute miracles this year, and through these miracles God has increased my faith. I know God will finish this story of ours! I have no clue when or how, but I trust God. Would I have chosen to walk through this blaze? Um, that’s a hard no. I don’t think there are many of us who would choose to “lick the floors of hell.” But the things I have learned in this fire are truly invaluable. The work God has done…and is still continuing to do, has purpose! I know God will use every bit of this hard to advance His Kingdom! So, if you’ve been like me and you’ve been standing in the fire; if life is chiseling you by trial…stand firm. God’s not done with our stories! He still has the pen in His hands and He will finish! And when He finishes…oh, what a glorious day that will be!! I say this to not only encourage you, but to encourage myself…God’s not done!
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NIV)
Absolutely been there for a while and I thank God for Using you to help us when we need encouragement I love you
Great writing Haley – its where the rubber meets the road! I love that God’s purpose for our lives will be accomplished through every season and trial we face. I appreciated that you didn’t fault God for our messes, and gave Him the glory for all He’ll do in us as we walk through it. I cringe at hearing people lash out at God with accusatory statements such as, “Why God, have You done this to me?!” Haley your experiences and your perspective gives you an edge in being an influencer in other’s lives. For sure, nobody pursues a degree in “trial and tribulation authority”, but having taken the “prescribed courses” and having committed to “continuing education” you’re in a position to be used by God, to be a spokesman for Him, an encourager, a teacher, and a comforter. Blessings sister!