With the end of this year quickly approaching I’ve been frequently hearing people answering the question of “what are your highs and lows of 2019?” I’ll be honest, when I first heard someone answering that question, my immediate thought was: “I am glad it’s almost over…and you couldn’t pay me enough money to ever repeat it!” Then I immediately heard the Lord say: “Haley, you really can’t think of anything good from this year?” And so I sat and thought about it for a few minutes…
That’s when God started opening my eyes to some good from this year. The first good was that my sweet Liam Isaac was born into this world. If the stipulations of having him in my life were that I would have to walk through this year again, I would choose to walk through it all just so I could have him. As hard as it is to even think or say out loud (because this year was hard), it’s still true. Liam would have been worth going through that hard all over again. He’s been a balm of healing to our family after walking through a very intense fire. He’s everything we never knew we were missing! He truly is a gift from God! I very distinctly remember saying last year, “if I go to the ultrasound and find out this baby is another boy…I am going to cry!” That’s when I heard God say to me, “you would reject My gift?” And that’s when I knew I had to change my attitude about it because the truth is; God knew exactly what I needed! He knew that I would need another sweet boy to love on and cherish. I now can’t imagine life without him…or imagine a life where I am not completely outnumbered by boys! Hahaha! It’s a wild and crazy ride sometimes, but it’s the ride God had planned for me, so it’s just right!
Liam isn’t my only good, though. There are more. The intensity and depth of my relationship with Jesus Christ greatly increased this year…and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it would never have reached the depths it has reached without walking through this blaze. I’ve seen God like I’ve never seen him before. He has shown me that He truly is I AM! Whatever I need, He is the answer! He can be our peace in the very midst of the worst raging storm…we just have to learn to let go and let Him have control. I am not saying it’s easy, and I am not saying it’s a “once learned, you’re done” type deal. I don’t think it is. I think that living in surrender and giving up control is a battle we face over and over because it goes against our very human nature. We don’t like going through things we can’t control or fix…we hate it, actually. But it’s the place God allows us to be so that we can learn to fully trust Him. I mean, how can we do what He wants us to do in life if we can’t surrender our will to His will? His word tells us that before we were ever knit together in our mother’s wombs, He knew us and He had a plan for our lives! But yet, we contend and fight and try to work out our will and our plans…and then we wonder why we’re unhappy. I am not saying that if we’re right smack dab in the middle of God’s purpose for our lives, that we will be blissfully happy either. That’s not factual…that’s fantasy because God actually promises us that in life we will face trials and tribulations. But if we are in the very perfect will of God for our lives, I do believe we are overall happier and at peace because we know that God is using us.
So that leads me to another good from this year. God increased my trust and faith in Him. When my Dad died, fear came in. It didn’t come in a very obvious and in your face way; no, the enemy is stealthier than that. It came and I didn’t even realize it. I found myself very fearful when I couldn’t get ahold of family members on the phone when I called them. If I didn’t hear from Jonathan that he made it to work safely, I would fret and worry the entire day until I either heard from him or saw him when he got home. After a few years, that slowly subsided…but I had a deep-rooted fear that I was very unaware of. I had a fear that the rug was going to be pulled out from under me once again and that our lives would be left in shambles once again. I didn’t fully enjoy life to it’s fullest because of that deep-rooted fear. I worried about money, whether we had plenty or not…it wasn’t ever enough to make me stop worrying. I worried about many other things and those worries stole my peace and joy…yet I didn’t even notice it! I felt like I had to control everything because I couldn’t risk losing something so valuable again. Then bam! The rug I so desperately feared being pulled out from under me…. was indeed pulled out from under me. This year was a year where it felt like almost everything I tried to hold on to so tightly was stripped from me…but I believe it was because God needed me to learn that He is the only thing I need to hold on to! God showed me this year that He truly is worthy of my trust. I have learned to hand over to God things that I cannot control in any way. It’s things I would have desperately tried to fix and control before. It’s things that would have made me sick with worry before, but now because of the intense blaze we stood in, I can say: “God, I give this to you. There is nothing I can do on my end, but I know nothing is impossible for you! I can’t wait to see how you’re going to work this out!”
I have this surety in God not because of anything I have done…it’s only because everything He has done! I have seen God work absolute miracles and because I witnessed them, God increased my faith! It had nothing to do with me…I am nothing! It was all God!
These are just a few of the good things that came from this year. I could list more, but it would require that I delve deeper into our story…and I just can’t do that for now. I don’t know how God fully intends to use our story, but I know when He does it will truly bring all glory and honor to Him! Anyway, I just wanted to say to all of you out there who may be sitting there thinking, “this has been the worst year ever and I can’t wait for it to be over!” Ask God to help you see the good that He has done for you. I say that because that’s wonderful thing about God, He makes sure there’s still good even in the very middle of the hardest of seasons…and because it helps us to recognize that good! I have recently been finding myself contending with some heart issues that just seem to keep popping up over and over. Some of it’s because of the trauma of this season and others are because I haven’t seen God fulfill every promise He has made me during this hard season. There are just parts of my heart that I am still having to surrender…and remembering all of these good things helps me to surrender. It helps me remember God’s faithfulness. It’s helps me to see that all of my prayers haven’t just bounced off the ceiling; every single one has been heard by my Father and He cares about even the smallest and most insignificant things in my life! He truly is a good, good Father and He wants the very best for me and for you as well! He hasn’t forgotten about you! He sees you in the midst of your heartache and hurt. He sees you and He’s telling you to keep pressing in! Keep praying because He’s not done writing your story! Just because we can’t see what He’s writing doesn’t mean that he has stopped writing. No, He’s faithful and trustworthy…and He will finish what He has started!
Philippians 1:6 (AMPC)
“And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.”
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